An Atypical V-Day Post... Fuelled by Chris Brown

Namaste. Happy V-Day everyone. xo

So... I thought long and hard about writing this, because (a) I had made the decision to stay completely off of Facebook for awhile, and (b) I'm quite sure that some people will vehemently disagree with what I have to say.  But I got an email from a friend yesterday about something that I'm quite sure people on all the social networks are talking about and have strong opinions on.  Today is a day that means a great deal to me, and it felt like the most appropriate day to share my thoughts.

Apparently, there is some kind of an "I'd Let Chris Brown Beat Me" bandwagon right now on Twitter.  To call this "disturbing" is to greatly diminish its horror.  It is terrifying.  It is also tragic.  The women posting this are obviously seriously lacking a sense of self-worth, even if they do not realize it.  They are declaring to everyone they know that they are not particularly valuable, at least not as valuable as a guy they deem "hot".  They are women who, if we knew them, would very likely be the ones who seek validation from men and get their sense of importance from male attention, be it negative or positive.  They are the type of women I want to give a good shake, and then whose psyches I want to prod and probe in search of the root cause of their self-devaluation.

Before I say the rest of what I'm thinking and feeling right now, I want make something crystal clear that should already be obvious -- I have ZERO TOLERANCE for violence against women.  ZERO.  I lived violence myself, I spent five years of my life working on behalf of women who have lived it, and years before that I counselled rape victims.  Ending it is something I am passionate about in a way that I perhaps cannot ever truly convey, and I will continue to work on its behalf even if not wearing an official title. Those who commit violent acts need to be charged and punished in some way.  That is non-negotiable.  What IS negotiable is the severity of the punishment.  As in all cases, a whole lot must be weighed before making that determination.  Chris Brown was not punished enough.  Not in my opinion, not in most people's opinions.  You NEED to do at least several weeks in jail when you inflict that kind of injury, if for no other reason than to be scared out of your mind.  The fact that Mr. Brown was only given probation and community service enraged many.  But the sentence is not his fault.  The sentence is the fault of a justice system who gave a deal to a celebrity, as is so often the case.  If people want to direct their anger somewhere, they would be better served directing it at the district attorney and the judge who made the public statement, through the agreed-upon sentence, that what was done "wasn't that bad."  

Now here's where I'm probably going to lose some people.  

When the CB/Rihanna story first broke in 2009 and people's reactions were that of extreme vitriol, I remember reading an article in which the writer commented that he thought race was playing a subconscious role in people's responses.  I'm not someone who likes bringing race into conversations as a crutch or a go-to place, but this instance, I found it interesting indeed because of similar cases in the past that did not trigger this level of outrage.  AND THEY SHOULD HAVE.  For example, Axl Rose is known to have committed domestic abuse. Yet he is still hero to many, and I'm sure that millions of people would've been absolutely thrilled had Guns'N'Roses been on the Grammys on Sunday night. Charlie Sheen has abused every woman he's been involved with for the last several years, and what happened there? People focused more on his crazy rants than his blatant violence, and even more than that, thousands of them rewarded him by paying top dollar to see him on his ridiculous tour. Roman Polanski's career suffered the consequences of having sex with a child, and then hundreds of celebrities spoke up on his behalf. Seriously?!  

Maybe it's not a matter of race.  Maybe it's because of the fact that the victim in this case is also well-known and beloved by many.  I don't know.  But something is askew when white men, MUCH older than Chris Brown and supposedly wiser, haven't incurred the same wrath. AND THEY SHOULD HAVE.  Michael Vick was more maligned for hurting dogs, albeit horrifying, than MANY Caucasian men have been for hurting women.  Something about that is seriously messed up.  Race is not the primary issue at hand here - that issue is violence - but the discrepancy in public reactions should give us ALL cause for pause.

The Chris Brown/Rihanna situation is a very sad one, but hopefully one that has made people all the over the world look at, and get out of, their own toxic relationships.  I feel very sorry obviously for the abused women and I will always stand up for and support them. But I also feel sadness for abusers, who are clearly troubled, broken, lost people.   I have a great deal of sympathy for Chris Brown.  Yes, sympathy.  His actions were deplorable.  That is clear.  However, I have always believed that he was one half of a severely dysfunctional relationship all the way around.  (Rumours abound now that they have reconciled but are keeping it hidden in public, which is its own highly troublesome situation.)  I would be willing to bet large sums of money that he was likely smacked several times by Rihanna during that relationship, and that it was mutually extremely hot-headed.  As a man, when you're in that kind of dysfunction you have to get the hell out, because one day you willsnap and strike back, and the damage you do to your partner will be much greater than what she is physically capable of doing to you.  

Of course I can't be certain as to what happened within this private relationship, I only have my intuition.  But if I may digress briefly for a moment, I am well aware of situations in which angry women are physically abusive to their partners because they know they can be. I would NEVER, for example, slap a man I was with across the face.  NEVER.  Not unless I was prepared to be slapped back.  Because both genders have feelings, and people will often instinctively lash back without thinking when they have been hurt.  My partner's dignity is worth NO less than mine simply because of our difference in gender.  Physical or verbal abuse - from either side - IS NOT OKAY.

But back to Chris Brown.  Many folks are upset that he was permitted to perform on the Grammy Awards.  So am I, but not for the reason that most people are.  My reason for thinking that Mr. Brown had no place on the Grammys is not actually because of what he did, but because of the seeming LACK of real understanding or true remorse for it.  Without displaying that, he shouldn't have been allowed a spot on music's most prestigious show ONCE, let alone twice.  But again, it was made easy for him not by him, but by those who had the power to hold him accountable and chose not to.  He has yet to give the impression that he REALLY gets it, and therein lies the biggest problem.  Maybe he honestly doesn't. But perhaps that is because no one has helped him do that.

One of the things I believe deeply is that ending violence against women CANNOT be done without the sincere and impassioned commitment of men, and the dedication of both sexes to working together.  Men are our partners in this world and the key to stopping violence is understanding and addressing the anger and pain that many men carry, before it is turned outward on the women in their lives.  Chris Brown did a horrible thing.  That is a given.  He shouldn't date anyone for a long time.  But Chris Brown was NOT Colonel Russell Williams, or Ted Bundy, or the rapist militias in the Congo.  At the time of the assault, he was still a teenaged boy with an anger management problem - a boy who grew up with a violent father and saw physical aggression used as a coping mechanism.  That is not an excuse or a justification - what it IS is a reason.  He needed a great deal of help.  And I must say, I found the world's quick willingness to simply throw away a then-19-year-old kid deeplytroubling.  What, I ask, WHAT exactly would be achieved by making Chris Brown a pariah, other than creating a young man with MORE rage to turn loose?  (Cue his appearance on Good Morning America.)  He was violent.  Hurtful.  Immature.  WRONG.  But we have all seen those people who seem too fargone in their detachment from their own humanity and that of others to reach, and Chris Brown is not those people.  He was - he is - salvageable. And any human being who is salvageable should be shown the error of his or her ways, punished appropriately, and then shown a better way of moving through the world.  

When I looked at Rihanna's bruised face I imagined her as my daughter or sister.  When I looked at Chris Brown standing there in court, I imagined him as my son or brother.  I believe in justice, and justice wasn't done.  He should have spent time in jail and received help while there.  The justice system failed his future experience as much as it failed Rihanna's past experience.  And as much as I believe in justice, I believe in forgiveness, redemption and second chances.  Compassion isn't only for the nice people, it is the door to the not-so-nice people.  Extending it to those who inflict pain can be difficult and can often seem unearned, but it is the only way to heal both the victims AND the perpetrators. And if we do not heal the perpetrators, we ensure the existence of victims forever.

- TT