When The 'Worst' Is Just The Best... One Emotional Creature

A week ago today I had one of the most memorable moments I've had as a director.  It's a busy day.  I and two members of my production team are seeing about 40 teenaged girls for the play Emotional Creature: The Secret Life Of Girls Around The World.  About halfway through the day she walks in. She performs her monologue, stopping, starting and shaking.  I tell her it's okay to be nervous and ask her if she's alright.  "Yes."  Then it's time for her to sing.  She's doing Skyscraper by Demi Lovato.

"I love that song!" I exclaim perhaps a bit too gleefully.  We wait for her to start. Nothing. More shaking.  I tell her that she's fine, it's okay, we're on her side and she's fine. She says she doesn't want to sing.  I tell her to look at me and sing to me, and if she forgets the words I'll mouth them with her.  She tries again to start. Silence.  I ask "Is this your first audition?" and she barely manages an "Uh huh" before the tears fall.  

At that point, my heart hurts for this child.  13 years old and experiencing what appears to be no less than sheer terror.  I get out of my chair and go to hug her. "No crying, you're okay."  I say.  "You're just really nervous. First auditions are super scary. 100th auditions are super scary! You're fine."  I offer her some water and she takes a sip, her hand shaking as she holds the cup.  I ask if she's ready to start.  She pauses for a moment before replying "I don't want to do it."  I say that I don't believe that's true, I think she wants to do it or she wouldn't be in the room.  I add that she can leave if she really wants to, but that I think if she does she'll wish later that she'd stayed.  I hold out my hand, and she takes it.  Then I hear myself saying something that I don't even realize I'm saying until it's halfway out.

"You start and if you need help I'll sing it with you, okay?"

She wipes a tear from her face. She seems to be considering trying. There is no "Okay" in response, just an eventual vigorous head nod. She begins very quietly singing the first verse, looking at the floor while practically stopping the circulation in my hand.  I get down on my knee to see her face. As she nears the chorus, her verse begins to trail off.  I start.

You can take everything I have, you can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass, like I'm made of paper...

At that second, she joins back in.  Still nervous, but now looking right into my eyes.  We do the rest of her audition together, as a duet.  

At the end, my team claps as I hug her again, sharing how proud I am of her and how proud she should be of herself.  I tell her that if she really wants to perform she needs to keep auditioning as often as she can even if she gets no parts, just to get over the fear and build her confidence.  Another vigorous nod, but this time with a ghost of a smile.  

Then, as quickly as she walked in, there is a whispered "Thank you" and she's gone. The three of us in the room just look at each other, knowing that we've shared one of those moments you could never script.  It's a given that she won't be in the cast.  But in that same instant it becomes crystal clear - in that perfect moment - that SHE is who the play is for.  That teenaged girl, so overwhelmed by the goings-on inside her... wanting SO much... fearing SO much... questioning so much... FEELING SO MUCH.  The point of the entire show had just walked out of the audition room.  There she was, with her shaky voice and flowing eyes and sweaty palm and hint-of-a-smile... the emotional creature.  

Her name was Grace.  Could that be any more perfect?  

There were girls who walked in that day and sang like angels and acted like pros and got a part.  I remember most of their auditions from a purely cerebral place.  Thinking of Grace's audition, it's my heart that remembers, every time.

Like I'm made of glass, like I'm made of paper...

Such was her confidence, this girl still so new to adolescence, still so new to herself. From a directorial perspective her audition was the 'worst' of the day.  It was also one of the best of my life.

Dear girl, I thank you and wish you a wondrous journey.  I will never forget the moment your trembling voice met mine, amazing Grace.  How sweet the sound.

xo TT