EMPATHY TRUMPS ALL (or, Yes I'd End Relationships Because Of Politics. You're Damn Right I Would.)

So... I hear there’s an election south of the border tomorrow.

I’m fairly obsessed with American politics, namely because of (a) the overwhelming impact that U.S. foreign policy has on the rest of our planet, particularly developing and conflict-ridden nations, and (b) because of the overwhelming impact that U.S. domestic policy has on my loved ones in the United States. I have family in New York and Florida -- former home of Stop And Frisk and current home of Stand Your Ground. These people are not merely stats or stories to me. My Auntie Pam lives in Brooklyn along with several other of my aunts and cousins. My Auntie Jan lives in Baltimore, my Uncle Grant in Orlando.* There are more.

They are African-American.

I take Donald Trump very, very seriously.

I’ve read repeatedly over the last few months about how friendships, marriages and other relationships have been damaged by this election. People who love or like each other find themselves on opposite sides of the aisle, arguing vigorously in support of either Trump or Clinton to the point of insult or injury. I’ve also heard and read that we shouldn’t allow these conflicts to damage relationships; that two people can disagree over who to support in this election without it impacting their closeness.  In most elections I would agree.  

In this case, I reject that notion wholeheartedly. 

I should also add that every person, EVERY person, whom I have seen tout that philosophy is a Caucasian 'progressive'. This is not to say that every white person feels that way, not at all. It just means that everyone I know who has felt that way is white. That is no accident. It is always easier to find forgiveness for trespasses that have a more direct or widespread impact on someone other than yourself.

I'll come back to that.

I love engaging in discussion about feelings, thoughts and ideology. I find intelligent debate intoxicating, and have close friendships with people whose opinions on various topics differ from mine. It is often the differences between us that keep relationships our interesting, healthy and evolving. Challenging another’s view without antagonism means having to take in the reality of their response and consider it. The greatest conversations contain aspects of disagreement. They require that we hold our own views up for potential scrutiny and have both the reasoning and conviction to defend them. In other cases, they give us the opportunity to recognize where our rationale falls short and where our own perspectives’ blind spots may be.

Sometimes, however, there is no room for disagreement.

Sometimes the difference between two things is so stark, so striking, that to stand behind one or the other is to make a grand statement about who we are at our core. Such is the case in this election.

Supporting Donald Trump is not merely expressing a preference. It isn’t just marking a box. It is a declaration, and an amplified one. I am very grateful to not have family or friends that I know of whose feelings about how to vote in this election differ from mine. I am grateful that in the seventeen seemingly interminable months of this campaign, I have not had a pro-Trump comment posted by an acquaintance on my Facebook wall, ever. I have, however, come across many comments on friends’ walls that have made my brain want to explode.

In the early days of the campaign I was keen on gentle conversation. I'd see someone express support for Trump and kindly point out some of the GOP candidate's problematic aspects. I spoke of his lack of political knowledge and his unprofessional behaviour. I'd admit that yeah, hey, way back I loved The Apprentice too but that this was light years from that. I'd emphasize that we were talking about giving Donald Trump an incredible amount of power and decision-making ability that he had neither the experience or personality to responsibly handle. I tried to convince myself that people supported him because they simply didn't know of his more troubling points. Surely, once they had the bigger picture, they would see why a Trump presidency was a no-go. So I continued having perfectly cordial exchanges with people, hoping to shed more light on the truth of their chosen candidate so that they might see him more clearly.

Then I stopped.

I stopped on the day I realized that ignorance was no longer an excuse. Donald Trump's words and antics are everywhere. He has had more media coverage than any other candidate from the start of the primaries to now. Unless firmly entrenched under a rock, one cannot be deaf to the horribly disparaging things he has said about multiple minority groups and women as a whole, not to mention the things he is accused of doing and was caught on a live mic boasting about. There is no way to be unaware of his encouragement of aggression and hostility at his rallies, the stack of lawsuits against him, and his insane Twitter rants. There is no way to not know who he is by now. We live in the social media age. We have seen more of his egregious conduct that we could ever care to see.

Each and every day I am greeted online by a rotating series of Trump surrogates smiling plastic smiles while defending the indefensible. Mothers who claim to love their children stand up for a man who might grab their 20-year-old daughters' genitals or kiss her without asking if he deemed her hot enough, or who would sit in a locker room with their sons encouraging them to speak of other people's daughters that way. It is vile. But these surrogates represent millions of other people who have decided that the more questionable aspects of Hillary (and I am the first to acknowledge those) are worse than a man who lacks fundamental human decency. 

There is only one truthful reason why someone could feel that way.

It has become crystal clear that these people, the basket of deplorables of which Hillary spoke, are not supporting Donald Trump in spite of the things he says -- they are supporting him because of those things.  The bigoted comments about Mexicans, about Muslims, blacks, immigrants... these are the things that get his fans turned on. These are the things they've been saying around their dinner tables for years but couldn't say outside of their homes. Now they've found a champion -- someone who will say these things at podiums across the nation, on camera, in front of tens of thousands of people. This is the hero they've waited for, someone who would avenge what they lament as "eight years of the nigger president". In their eyes, Trump's vitriol is a xenophobic orgasm for the ages.

Those who support DT are saying unequivocally that his stances are a-okay. Or that they're not exactly a-okay, but that human dignity comes a distant second to taxes. If "He'll make a stronger military!" is more important to you than "He's a racist accused of sexual assault" when considering a president, we sadly have absolutely nothing to say to each other. How dare anyone respond to allegations of bigotry and sexism with "Let's talk about the issues." When did racism and misogyny become non-issues in America? I missed that memo entirely.

Now back to the white progressives who say that we can all disagree without cutting ties.

Let's sing Kumbaya and hug it out!

NO.

No, because seeing others through a compassionate lens do not require the negation of myself.

No, because Donald Trump insulted Black Lives Matter -- a movement trying to keep my African-American relatives from dying at the hands of police. No, because Donald Trump sees my people as a monolithic group who lives in "hell". No, because Donald Trump says that to walk through a black neighbourhood is to "get shot". No, because Donald Trump calls Mexicans rapists, tries to pacify them by adding "I guess some are nice people", then when that doesn't appease takes a photo with a taco bowl. No, because Donald Trump wants to ban an entire religion from entering America and sees every Muslim as a secret member of ISIS. No, because Donald Trump insults women by mocking their looks, weight and menstrual cycles. No, because Donald Trump sat on a bus and laughed and joked about his history of sexual assault.

I am black, a woman and a survivor of sexual assault.

I take support for that man personally.

On Thursday morning, little boys may wake up to a president who thinks that consent is an option and brags about it. Have Trump voters never been touched by violence, and do they have no women in their lives? Are the women who vouch for him not in support of their own lives? Jesus. How did we get here?

Perhaps the white progressives who think that "politics is not worth cutting people off over" can see past the racism thing. They may want to reconsider calling themselves progressives.... but whatever. They are able to "not let politics hurt their relationships" because at the end of the day, the other person's bigoted mantra doesn't impact them personally.  Even if it's an insult to the so-called progressive person's friends and acquaintances, it rarely becomes a firm dealbreaker.  I get it.  It's uncomfortable stepping away from your church or standing up to grandpa.  But this non-action is not a luxury that self-respecting people of colour have.  When Donald Trump speaks, he is speaking about and dismissing me.  My family, their oppression, our worth as human beings who happen to be black, their dignity as Americans.  From us there is no tolerating the racist chatter.  Not anymore.  Long passed is the excuse of not knowing.  A choice has been made by Trump voters -- a deliberate choice to forgo empathy towards those at the receiving end of his cruelty.

Anyone who remains a DT supporter, today, knows exactly who he is.  If that is you, you have decided that those whose dignity he trounces upon is less important than those whose self-proclaimed delusion of superiority he emboldens.

And so, given the choice of severing ties with a Trump supporter or not -- it has become for me the simplest of options.  If you love Trump, you are okay with him propping up rape culture and belitting my people.  One cannot care for me, my reality and my past pains and support Trump simultaneously.  They are fundamentally opposing things.

White nationalists are calling for a race war if Trump loses. A race war. What the hell. This means that visible minorities are now between the worst of rocks and hard places. They face having a bigoted sociopath as President if he wins, or awaiting random acts of racist violence if he loses. That is where black and brown people, and by that I mean all African, Arab, South Asian, Latino and Native Americans -- and their families in other countries who love them -- sit on the eve of this election.  We await the inevitability of the social and economic violence that Trump policies will inflict, or the physical violence that supremacists threaten will follow a Clinton victory. 

That is our reality.

In sociopolitical conversations, people of colour must constantly do the double-duty of both asserting our positions, and guarding our hearts from the racism that will always, always muddy the water.

I cannot ask anyone to cut off the Trump supporters in their lives. That is no one's place. Ending relationships is a deeply personal decision and in some cases it may mean leaving oneself in utter isolation. I understand and sympathize. But understand this too. Understand that I do not want to meet your Trump-loving aunt and uncle, no matter how "sweet" they seem or how much you adore them or how much they adore you or how great your aunt's homemade pie is. Because Trump is ugly and dangerous, and I value myself.  They cannot plead ignorance anymore. If they have said yes to Trump, they know what they are saying yes to. And that cannot, and will not, ever include me.

TT

* I have changed the names of my family members to protect their privacy.