DEAR MATT DAMON (& Men Like You) | by T. Taitt

Dear Matt & Men Like You,

I'm not giving up on you yet.

Perhaps foolishly, I still believe in learning and growing.

I know you think that you're progressive.

Despite the very obtuse things that sometimes come out of your mouths based on either male privilege or white privilege or both -- for those of you who have both like good ol' Matt (whose tone-deafness on race has already been emblazoned across our consciousness like a neon sign) I know that many of you truly do want to be kind, decent people and for the most part are.

But I also know this.

Some of you need to shut up sometimes.

I don't say that to be cruel, but to be cogent and concise.  

It's not because I think you don't have valuable things to say.  I do not, like some women, think that men have nothing to contribute to this #MeToo moment other than to simply stop harassing and assaulting women.  I understand that there is dialogue to encourage, and it is critical.  There is a conversation to engage in about power and consent and consent and CONSENT and what that really means.  There is a discussion to be had about how incredibly complicated sex can be and how cloudy and out of sync our perspectives may be too.  It is actually very, very easy to unintentionally harass or even rape someone, if you're not paying attention and don't know what the hell you're doing.

There are things being brought up that some see as derailing the movement.  I do not see them this way because I know they are real things -- things like false accusations, and gross misinterpretations of the same event, and the fact that to label every woman Saint Honest and every man Lying Lucifer is to ignore the vast array of human behaviours.  I struggle with my natural tendency to believe alleged victims - which I do the vast majority of the time - while at the same time never wanting to destroy anyone's life based on a single unproven accusation.

So to anyone out there who is going to attempt to dismiss what I'm saying by labelling me a "radical feminist" who can't see the forest for the trees -- you can stop right there.

Let me make one thing clear.  

To use the small number of women who are dishonest about these experiences as a means of discrediting the overwhelming majority -- women who risk tremendous berating and additional harassment as a result of coming forward -- is disgusting.  Most of these women have nothing to gain and everything to lose.  

No one is unaware of the exceptions.  We know that unfortunately they will happen, and we all want those who are innocent swiftly cleared and those who falsely accuse punished.  Women do not want men to be perpetrators; we feel deep relief to learn that someone is not.  But it is deeply disingenuous on your end, men, to pretend that unjust claims against your gender are happening more than actual abuse is happening against ours, and you know it.  It is a smokescreen, one which you put up to try to keep us from seeing the ugly.

I see very, very clearly.  Now let me tell you what I see.

PANIC.

I see sheer panic on the part of men who are now scrolling through their Rolodex of memories, recalling their own possible or probable moments (or durations) of misconduct.

I see you trying to recollect, analyze and re-analyze what you said, what you did, how you looked at her, how close you got to her, how you touched her, how friendly you were.  I see you scared of the future, wrestling feelings of guilt, unsure of yourself and your judgment, and devastated that someone could think you're at fault.

Welcome to being every woman or girl who's been harassed or assaulted -- ever.

Welcome to the way we feel.

The only difference is that most of the time, we are the hurt and you are the hurter.

Actually, I'm wrong.  There is another difference.  

You never have to worry about what you were wearing.

The next thing I will say may surprise you; I actually think that much of the substance of what Matt Damon said is true.  I just find the spirit of it horrific.

Dear Matt & Men Like You: We are more than aware of the fact that there are gradations of assault, which is what you want us to know.  Uh... okay.  Thanks.  That is common sense.  No sensible person believes that patting someone on the rear end is equally criminal to pulling out one's penis and masturbating for unwilling eyes, and no one believes that masturbating for unwilling eyes is equally criminal to forcibly shoving that penis into someone's body.  Petty theft and armed robbery are both burglary but very different crimes.  The fact of gradations is true.  You are right.  Just as there exists 1st degree murder, 2nd degree murder and manslaughter -- there exist degrees of sexual assault.  There is no woman alive who does not know this or needs to have it spelled out by you.  BUT... 

BUT.  

There's something you do not seem to understand.

The person killed by manslaughter, and the person killed by 1st degree murder, are both dead.  Similarly, the woman who suddenly feels her boss' hand on her bum, and the woman who is raped, may both be traumatized.  

We can go no further towards remedying this crisis until you get this.  

You, as men, do not get to tell women what warrants their trauma.  You just don't.  It is not your place and it never will be. 

So I ask you... I beg you... shut up sometimes.

Our bodies are our own sacred domains, and are not to be trespassed upon at will.  Do I think that every unsolicited touch is a trespass?  No.  Of course not.  As human beings we connect and show support and affection through touch all the time.  But let's not act as if we're 8-year-old children who cannot consider context.  Context is everything.  You need to really know someone before you know how they will respond to your flirting.  Don't just try it out while you're on the job and hope for the best, because the best may not come.  You may think that I'm writing this because I only care about women; that's not true at all.  Just as I want to keep women safe and protected from predatory behaviour, I have several men in my life whom I love dearly and don't want to see unwittingly finding themselves in trouble either.  

So please...

If you are touching or propositioning someone in a way that would normally be reserved for an intimate partner -- DUDE -- think.  Think about whether you have made someone uncomfortable and if there is any chance that you have, acknowledge your misstep and apologize immediately.  Don't pretend it didn't happen.  If you are senior to someone in a work situation... just don't.  And I can't believe I'm typing this but do not ask your subordinate for her consent to do something sexual in front of her or to participate in something sexual or sensual with you.  She may feel obligated due to the professional power you hold over her career.  Even if your romantic interest is sincere, you cannot erase the power differential and the dynamic it innately engenders.  And when you're a woman whose livelihood depends on keeping your job, telling someone and possibly losing your career or any chance at advancement is a terrifying proposition.  Do not create a situation in which one person's consent is another person's duress.

I said earlier that I agreed with the substance of Matt Damon's words, but found the spirit horrific.  I must return to that.

In fairness, Matt did say that we should be concerned about everything, as is easy to say.  But by immediately following that up with the comment that a pat on the bum isn't as severe as other things -- which technically is obvious -- he diminished his previous statement as well as the seriousness of men doing the less severe things.  We simply cannot do that.  I am not saying that every person who commits an act of misconduct must be fired or turned into a pariah; again, we must consider context.  I am not in any way labelling every man irredeemable. For those who can be redeemed, however, their redemption cannot take precedence over their accountability.  Their redemption cannot take precedence over the wellbeing of innocent women.  Therefore I am saying that the repudiation of their actions -- no matter where those actions fall on the spectrum -- must be loud, swift and irrefutable.  

Imagine sex education classes teaching our boys "Don't EVER rape girls, but rubbing their bums isn't as bad." 

?????????????

We would never allow that to be how our sons were educated, therefore we cannot allow it to be what we either inadvertently or boldly espouse in the way we speak about this issue.

The moment we do anything less than say NO to the entire range of behaviour, we open the door to finding some of it slightly less offensive, which means we open to the door to making more and more untenable the daily lives for women all around the world.  We open the door to intimidation, to coercion, to subjugation, to forced silence.

It is also profoundly dangerous to do anything less than say NO because predatory behaviour often becomes more brazen over time.  

We tend to hear only the worst of the stories, and that is because we allow the subjective truth of gradation to distract us from everything that happens on the way to the worst.  We can never stray from the objective truth, which is that touching or speaking to someone in a sexual way that they do not want is NEVER okay.  When less severe acts of misconduct are not considered equally unacceptable, we give perpetrators the incentive to take their actions just a little further, and a little further, and a little further.  The erect penis behind a closed zipper pressed up against someone becomes the erect penis poking through the zipper being stroked.  Unchecked, the warm breath on a neck becomes a mouth and a tongue.  Unchecked, the pat on the bum becomes the grope.  What comes next?  

Perhaps you grab 'em by the pussy.

No, no, no.

WE MUST CONDEMN IT ALL.

______


TT.